The Lost Girls

I found out I was pregnant early last year. As I looked at the pregnancy test, beaming positive after only a few seconds, I panicked. I walked around the house, frantically whispering "Shit, shit, shit!" I hadn't traveled enough, my husband and I had only been married a few months, I didn't have a career yet. Shit. We made a doctor appointment and promptly found out we were having twins. Shit. Over the next few months, I fell into a state of "When." When I have the twins, I'll have my body back. When the twins go to school, I will have a career. When the twins move out, I'll have my life back. Wait...That's in 18 years (if you are lucky!) So that was that. My life was now fully committed to two beautiful children, who I loved deeply, but I still felt empty, somehow unfulfilled. 

A breakthrough moment came when I walked through the house looking for my husband, to ask for a short break to get some work done for my class. I stood in the doorway of his office, not ready to accept his answer - "Could you give me a few minutes?" Calmly and evenly I replied, "No. Now." I had never asked my husband for a "right now" pass. He said, "Yes. Now." And promptly relieved me from parenthood for a few moments. 

Women have a habit of believing we can do it all. Under the right circumstances, I firmly believe we can. Read that again, the right circumstances. It is much easier to give ourselves to others when we feel nurtured, appreciated and loved. The thing that we forget, however, is that we cannot expect others to completely fulfill these needs. These needs come from deep within. A level assurance of who you are and what you need. It is utterly necessary that we spend the time for self-reflection, not 'When' but now.