The Lost Girls

I found out I was pregnant early last year. As I looked at the pregnancy test, beaming positive after only a few seconds, I panicked. I walked around the house, frantically whispering "Shit, shit, shit!" I hadn't traveled enough, my husband and I had only been married a few months, I didn't have a career yet. Shit. We made a doctor appointment and promptly found out we were having twins. Shit. Over the next few months, I fell into a state of "When." When I have the twins, I'll have my body back. When the twins go to school, I will have a career. When the twins move out, I'll have my life back. Wait...That's in 18 years (if you are lucky!) So that was that. My life was now fully committed to two beautiful children, who I loved deeply, but I still felt empty, somehow unfulfilled. 

A breakthrough moment came when I walked through the house looking for my husband, to ask for a short break to get some work done for my class. I stood in the doorway of his office, not ready to accept his answer - "Could you give me a few minutes?" Calmly and evenly I replied, "No. Now." I had never asked my husband for a "right now" pass. He said, "Yes. Now." And promptly relieved me from parenthood for a few moments. 

Women have a habit of believing we can do it all. Under the right circumstances, I firmly believe we can. Read that again, the right circumstances. It is much easier to give ourselves to others when we feel nurtured, appreciated and loved. The thing that we forget, however, is that we cannot expect others to completely fulfill these needs. These needs come from deep within. A level assurance of who you are and what you need. It is utterly necessary that we spend the time for self-reflection, not 'When' but now. 

Holier Than Thou

I was spoiled early on in my Yoga career. I spent almost ten years studying Yogic Scripts before I even stepped onto the mat. I've been competitive my entire life and would be damned if I was going to step into a class before I'd reached Enlightenment. In fact, I only went to a few classes before I enrolled in Yoga Teacher Training. These classes were taught by Amanda McMaine. Now - Amanda McMaine...she's a superstar. She came into class flowing in a white yoga suit, warming everybody's faces with a glowing smile. Ok....I was smitten. Amanda has studied with the likes of Judith Lasater and Leslie Kaminoff, teaching in a smooth, slow style with an intense focus on anatomy and the movement of the subtle body. I enrolled into her Yoga Teacher Training course after three classes with her.

I thought this would be a journey of sisterhood the first day as I looked around as my classmates. The kind where they all would come over after class and have slumber parties like we were in 8th grade again. I was utterly wrong. To say I felt isolated is an understatement. First, my classmates found out that I smoke cigarettes. After a heat filled lecture on letting go of my world attachments for the sake of my future students, I promised I would quit and we moved on. After a few hours of meditation, we went to lunch. Some of the girls invited me to a vegan spot just down the road, to which I replied, "Maybe another time, but my husband is going to meet me at Arby's." That was the last time the girl's invited me anywhere. I was shunned. A cigarette-smoking, Arby's eating heathen.

The worst part was that we also had to take classes from someone other than Amanda. So I scheduled time for them, thinking "At least I can pick my own classes." One class I confidently decided on was a Vinyasa class at a hip place downtown. About 30 minutes into it, the teacher came by and ripped my leg forward in Virabhadrasana I, spouting at me "More flow, come on!" Another class, the teacher walked into the room in a flair of arrogance, shushing the students as if we were in grade school. I was pissed.

I've seen it more and more in the Yoga world. The holier-than-thou teacher. That teacher that causes you to leave the class feeling drained, defeated and somehow used. Instagram Gods and Twitter pages with 25K followers. But this isn't Yoga. Yoga is a path, that we are all on together. Teachers particularly should be setting an example of non-perfection; putting our students and the journey first and foremost. We should know the difference between the driving effect of a gentle direction rather than the demolishing effects of a hard shove. Our Yoga mats are sacred ground, a place that we are all greatly equalized, and should be treated as so.

Oh, Boy!

Ladies, have you ever walked into a room and felt every set of eyes fall on you? Did you look around and notice a ton of men, getting that sinking feeling in your stomach, thinking, "Oh God! Am I the only woman here?" Maybe you have. Maybe you haven't. But imagine how vulnerable you would feel, how singled out you would be. This is how men feel about Yoga.
For years, I have been trying to get men to do Yoga. I have offered classes in my home. I have begged my husband to go to a class with me. I have even baited his friends to my house with promises of lunch in exchange for an hour of Yoga with me. Every offer has been met with a fervent resistance. But why? This 5,000 year old practice was once practiced by MOSTLY men.

It's because women can be hard to do Yoga with. Let's be honest...we are all guilty of competition at some point in our Yogic path. My moment was during Prenatal Yoga when a woman came in every week with her high pony tail, and her perfectly pedicured feet, gliding gracefully into each Warrior Pose while I lay in Balasana on my mat next to her, heavy and bloated with twins. But when a man walks into a studio full of women, how does he feel?
To find out, I got on Reddit.com and posted a request for men to tell me about their experience in the Yoga world. The answers were staggeringly similar. "Women always make a big deal when I go to a Yoga class." "I get dirty looks like I'm only there to try to score." "I'll be viewed as a sexual predator." HOLY SHIT! Is that how we are making men feel?! They feel dirty, they feel uncomfortable! Most of the men said that they would only be comfortable if a friend came with them to 'validate' and 'protect' them. So ladies, what can you do? One  redditor gave me this advice to share - "Don't freak out when I come into class. Don't give me weird smiles or dirty looks. I am there to do Yoga, I am not there to harass you so please don't harass me!"

Identifying the False Self

We often find ourselves in the midst of our day to day, suddenly stopping, and looking into a mirror, panicked, thinking "Who am I?" This crisis is born out of cultivating false identifies for ourselves, using roles and titles to fill the void of a spiritual connection with our deeper selves, the unchanging self. 

False identification is the ego. The expectation of what should be, instead of acceptance of what is. When we let go of the ego, and reduce self-identification all together, we can cultivate our true selves, the true nature of the self that is unchanging and independent. It is only when we expose our false self that we can set out the path to our reality. 

Now, if you are reading this and thinking "Oh good, I identify with that. Now she will tell us how to let go of the ego and find our true selves." I have bad news for you. I have no idea how to let go of the ego. After 15 years of practicing yoga, reading and studying the Sutras, the Yamas and the Niyamas, I still have an ego. My ego is probably a lot like yours. If a student in my class does a pose better than me, sometimes I feel a tinge of jealousy rise up behind my cheeks. Sometimes I will see a pair of ultra-expensive name-brand yoga pants and think "Oh! How professional I will look in these!"

What I can tell you is how the path to the True Self starts. The path starts in identifying your failures. I know...that's like someone punching you right in your stomach. But yes, the path begins at the edge of your failures and disappointments. "Disappointment is much more fertile ground for spiritual practice than dreams." - Saradananda 

Once we can identify what we consider our failures and disappointments, we can begin to release ourselves from the hold of our ego. By acknowledging that our desires and expectations are not of reality, we give power to reality instead of giving into a false sense of security brought on by generations materialistic identity.